Donald Trump VS. the #DinosaurGhosts
1 Pumping oil derricks awakened the dinosaurs from their eternal sleep. 2/27/17 8:02am
2 They rose from the depths of a prehistoric swamp not unlike the swamp the president drained another swamp by adding 300 tons of mud and
shit to it. 2/27/17 9:02am
3 They were coldblooded phantoms who thrived in the rising
temperatures. #DinosaurGhosts: yet another consequence of global warming.
2/27/17 10:02am
4 What brought them back from extinction? Some said they
resented SUVs burning their remains. They wanted revenge! 2/27/17 11:02am
5 Others claimed it wasn't a meteor but gay marriage that killed
the dinosaurs. They just buggered themselves out of existence. 2/27/17 12:02pm
6 It was true. Both tyrannosaurus and triceratops were gay.
They loved each other like they hated fascism. And they were fabulous!
2/27/17 1:02pm
7 It took 300 tailors to fashion their designer suits. Barney's,
of course. 2/27/17 2:02pm
8 They crawled before no man. They sashayed! Their reptilian
eyes mocked the haters with mirth and indifference. 2/27/17 3:02pm
9 They used any damned bathroom they wanted to, and ate anyone
who stood in their way. 2/27/17 4:02pm
10 They appeared at a creationist museum, taking the Noah's
ark exhibit by surprise. 2/27/17 5:02pm
11 They crashed CPAC. Met a Milosaurus forlorn beyond the
gates. "Attention whores," it shouted. "Take me with you!"
They ignored the beast. 2/27/17 6:02pm
12 They ate Jeb Bush, Mitt Romney, and little Marco Rubio.
No one noticed. 2/27/17 7:02pm
13 They floated above an NRA meeting hissing at hillbillies,
who popped off their pistols and sustained mass casualties from friendly fire.
2/27/17 8:02pm
14 Finally, someone noticed the facts staring everyone in
the face. The #DinosaurGhosts were only eating republicans. 2/27/17 9:02pm
15 The president learned about their existence on FOX NEWS.
"It can't be true," he said. "Fake News! There's no such thing
as dinosaurs!" 2/27/17 10:02pm
16 His advisors had fossils brought in from the Smithsonian.
DT just looked at them. "Stupid rocks. I like rocks that weren't
dinosaurs." 2/27/17 11:02pm
17 They flew in paleontologists to present their evidence. DT
asked them to draw pictures and bring them to life with growling sounds. 2/28/17
12:02am
18 "I still don't buy it," said the president after
the presentation. "Dinosaurs are a hoax created by the Chinese." 2/28/17
1:02am
19 No amount of evidence could sway him from the personal
belief he'd adopted on a whim. 2/28/17 2:02am
20 They had a lot in common, the DGs and DT. The all wanted
to be the alpha male. They all refused to eat their vegetables. 2/28/17 3:02am
21 The scent of prey drew the prehistoric apparitions from
the miasma. A scent much stronger than fear: narcissism mixed with intolerance. 2/28/17
4:02am
22 They sniffed around the White House, ignoring gun blasts
from the secret service. Nothing harmed them. They were already dead. 2/28/17 5:02am
23 Trump fled to Mara-Lago, where he could be surrounded by
friends who paid $200,000 to share his company. True friends! 2/28/17 6:02am
24 Even golfing offered no escape. They found Chris Christie
half-eaten in a sand trap where he had been caddying. 2/28/17 7:02am
25 The president sought sanctuary in the deep south, only to
learn that sanctuary cities were now illegal by executive order. 2/28/17 8:02am
26 He took comfort in crowds of adoring fans at an
election-style rally, blaming the DGs on HRC and other straw men. He vowed to
lock them up! 2/28/17 9:02am
27 The DGs followed his trail, leaving discarded red hats
and broken confederate flags in their wake. Now that's good eatin'! 2/28/17 10:02am
28 DT flew back to his solid gold penthouse in New York,
where 500-grand a day in tax payer money protected him. 2/28/17 11:02am
29 The dinosaur ghosts were hot on his trail. They were
hungry, and he reminded them of orange-flavored sour balls. 2/28/17 12:02pm
30 They cornered him in the penthouse, licking their chops
and rolling their eyes at the gaudy decorations. 2/28/17 1:02pm
31 Jr. and Eric got out their hunting rifles, then fled to
Africa to shoot elephants. They were anxious to enter the ivory trade. 2/28/17 2:02pm
32 The president offered Melania as a sacrifice. He was
planning to trade her in for younger model anyway. 2/28/17 3:02pm
33 The dinosaur ghosts sniffed the first lady as they would
a wax statue. Was she a wax statue? Hard to say. 2/28/17 4:02pm
34 Bannon rescued him by feeding the dinosaur ghosts an
alt-supper consisting of Priebus and Conway seasoned with Spicer. #RivalsForInfluence 2/28/17 5:02pm
35 Steve was chubby and slowed down the escape. "You're
fired!" Trump said now that he no longer needed him. 2/28/17 6:02pm
36 Alone again at the White House, wrapped in a gold bathrobe,
he looked like an elderly baboon decorated with discarded orange peels. 2/28/17
7:02pm
37 "It was the greatest electoral college victory in
history," he said to the empty room. "Everybody says so." A TV
droned in the background. 2/28/17 8:02pm
38 The dinosaur ghosts came at him again, hungry as ever. Who knew dinosaurs could be so hungry? #NobodyKnew! 2/28/17
9:02pm
39 He tried to ban them with an executive order, but the DGs
defied it. A bunch of so-called judges ruled it unconstitutional anyway. 2/28/17
10:02pm
40 He built a yuuge wall to protect himself. Mexicans went
over, under, and around the wall. The DGs passed right through. 2/28/17 11:02pm
41 He bullied the dinosaur ghosts, called them names,
shouted "Wrong!" when teeth snapped the air above his ruffled wig.
3/1/17 12:02am
42 He pulled his arms into his shirt and waved his tiny
hands in a gesture mocking the tyrannosaur's tiny forearms. 3/1/17 1:02am
43 He was sure Putin would come and save him, but he'd never
lifted sanctions like he'd promised. No one came. 3/1/17 2:02am
44 The tyrannosaurus threw back its head and roared. The
triceratops charged. The president threw his hair at them. No place left to
run. 3/1/17 3:02am
45 His staff was all gone, either eaten or defected to the
dinosaurs. "Eating the president is an excellent decision," they
counseled the DGs. 3/1/17 4:02am
46 DT cowered in fear, pooped himself, and quit the presidency.
"That's all we ever wanted," said the dinosaur ghosts as they chewed
his staff 3/1/17 5:02am
47 Crazy Donald went home to New York, but there was still a
problem: the existence of Congress and President Pence. The dinosaurs raged. 3/1/17
6:02am
48 In all the chaos, Ryan and McConnell had privatized
Medicare, eliminated consumer protections, and suppressed minority voting
rights. 3/1/17 7:02am
49 The speaker and majority leader were safe in their
districts, protected by gerrymandering. The dinosaur ghosts were powerless to
stop them. 3/1/17 8:02am
50 The roar that followed shook Washington and the country.
The people stumbled out of their bubbles, rubbing their eyes in the sunlight. 3/1/17
9:02am
51 "Look," cried McConnell and Ryan, "these
liberal dinosaur ghosts have come to eat you, raise your taxes, and take away
your guns!" 3/1/17 10:02am
52 "What's more," said republicans, "they use
private servers. Benghazi! Benghazi! Benghazi! Benghazi!" 3/1/17 11:02am
53 The Disappearing Dinosaur Ghost Act passed in the senate.
Among other things, it loosened environmental regulations. 3/1/17 12:02pm
54 The conservatives bombarded the crowd with lies, using tried
and true tactics to turn the people against their own interests. 3/1/17 1:02pm
55 The dinosaur ghosts hovered in the air, shaking their
heads in disgust. 3/1/17 2:02pm
56 But it was different this time. The people got wise.
"Dinosaurs aren't against us," they said, pointing fingers at
the corrupt congressmen. 3/1/17 3:02pm
57 "Hungry immigrants and dinosaur ghosts are taking
your jobs," cried the pubs. "We need to go back to acid rain and
segregation." #MAGA 3/1/17 4:02pm
58 But the people were awake now and politically active.
"Why should we be afraid of them when you're the ones eating our
lunch?" 3/1/17 5:02pm
59 "We'd rather live side by side with hard-working
immigrants than do the bidding of billionaires living on private islands."
3/1/17 6:02pm
60 All across the country republicans went weak in the
knees. The dinosaurs smiled their jagged smiles and then devoured the Congress.
3/1/17 7:02pm
61 And so it was the tree of liberty was refreshed with the
blood of tyrants, a natural manure. New elections were held, districts redrawn.
3/1/17 8:02pm
62 And when it was done, the dinosaurs returned to their tar
pits, holding hands. 3/1/17 9:02pm
63 Sometimes though, if you listen close, you can hear roars
carried on the wind. Heed the warning: republicans are trying to screw you. 3/1/17 10:02pm
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