There Are Sneetches in my Breeches: A Perverse Parody

In honor of Dr. Seuss's birthday, here is a poem that hopelly won't make him roll over in his grave. Christamar Varicella's book, There Are Sneetches in my Breeches and Other Parodies, will be published this summer.

Cover by Christiana Helgeson.

There are sneetches in my breeches.

I don’t know what to say.

I asked them all to leave my pants.

They stayed there anyway.

I tried to be a gentleman.

I tried to be polite.

I said, “It’s time to go, you know,

If that would be alright.”

“Now, please don’t have conniptions,

And please don’t have a cow,

But like Mr. Marvin Katherine Mooney,

You need to please go now.”

And just like Marvin Mooney

They ignored me most completely,

They showed ‘most no regard at all

For the words I spoke so sweetly.

Instead they danced and pranced about

They drove their old go-carts

All around the places known

As my private parts.

They stayed all day, the next night too

And soon there was no doubt

The sneetches always wanted in

And never wanted out.

And each morning they cooked breakfast

Of green eggs, ham, and toast

And late into the evenings

They held marshmallow roasts.

I did my best, I grabbed, I swiped

I tried real hard to catch ‘em

And douse the fires burning me

From my scroat down to my rectum.

Now normally I can handle things

I’m a fix-it kind of chappie.

But they keep messing with my mind

while they’re messing with my lappy.

I said, “Hey all you sneetches,

You snooty kind of smarties

This is not the kind of place

To hold frankfurter parties.

If there’s one thing that I’m knowing

You should stay out of the jeans

Of the man whose mother named him

Sylvester M McBean.”

But the sneetches they just sat there

with their oompahs and their flutes.

Others danced in my grickle grass

while wearing barbaloot suits.

So completely they ignored me,

They shut out all my words

And they invited in new sneetches

To join their growing herd.

Some sneetches had pain bellies

While others wore blue stars

They came from almost everywhere

From anear and from afar.

They swarmed all over every spot

From back ‘round to my belly

And some brought jars of peanut butter

And some brought jam and jelly.

That’s when I screamed, I yelled, I screeched

At those rotten sneetches,

“It’s time for you to leave my pants

And stay out of my breeches!"

It's sad I had to be so mean.

You know I had to ride ‘em.

“Go find a pair of pale green pants

With nobody inside ‘em.”

That’s when one of those fellows

Who was gnawing at some peaches

said, “Man that’s going to cost you, well,

‘bout twenty dollars eaches.”

My friends I am never happy

Giving my money away

Especially when it’s the sneetches

Who are the ones who ought to pay.

That’s when I said, I said it nice,

I never meant to be mean,

“My friends I think you need a trip

through my Sneetch-Out machine.”

And soon it was put together

It klonked and berked and jerked

But when it pointed at a sneetch

The damned thing didn’t work.

The only way it succeeded

Was in taking off their stars

but frankly I don’t give a crap

If they have them on thars.

I tried again and it broke down

The thing just wouldn’t start

When I kicked it in the motor

It completely fell apart.

And the herd it just kept growing,

They invited all their friends

From each familiar story

You’ve read time and time again.

They invited a grumpy Lorax,

The Grinch and a couple of Zax

And 23 Daves and a Yook and a Zook

and a turtle whose name was Mack.

They called a bird named Mayzie

and a goldfish named Gustav

They tried to call Horton the elephant

But I cut the cell phone off.

Then showed up old King Yertle

Saying, “oh marvelous me,

Is that a wocket in your pocket,

Or are you just glad to see me?”

And all those folks kept partying

driving into a frenzy

and you know that they’ve been doing that

a week now come this Wednesday.

Now I have a new feeling

That’s troubling to describe

I find I’m on a new wavelength

With a funky kind of vibe.

They tickle and they shock me

I feel a little gay.

And don’t you know it isn’t my heart

growing three sizes this day.

And now the time comes to admit

That all the fun and biking

The flips and flops and somersaults

Have grown into my liking.

Now I love to have each sneetch

Inside my holey britches

Even if every now and then

My injuries require some stitches.

And for all of you I’m speaking to

Who haven’t found your niches

I suggest opening up your pants

To a couple hundred sneetches.

I know it’s hard imagining

Doing something like that

But this isn’t like Things One and Two

In the book the Cat in the Hat.

It’s wild and fun and squirrely

Just like that Sam I Am

And I promise you it beats the hell

Out of green eggs and ham.

I tell you now, I tell everyone

the whole bloody nation

having a sneetches in your breeches

Is a wonderful sensation.

An Ode to My Underwear; 50 Shades of Sex; Review: The Supreme Bean; A Curious Incident at the Monkey House; Foxes and Chickens: an Allegory