The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five
Armies – A better subtitle
would have been The Battle to Keep Me from
Falling Asleep. But it would have lost. Actually, I didn’t see this movie, but I did
fall asleep during King Kong and when
I woke up I vowed never to see another Peter Jackson film.
Unbroken – Again, I didn’t see this one, but I
did read the book and I came away thinking the sharks got a bum rap.
Annie – This is one I actually did see back
in 1986. I thought Carol Burnett was
spectacular. I saw no reason to watch
another remake.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – I remember when this one came out
the first time. I didn’t see it then,
and I decided to keep the streak alive.
Night at the Museum: Secret of the
Tombs. Here’s a
secret. They should not make any more of
these movies. Tell everyone.
Horrible Bosses 2 – I remember watching the first Horrible Bosses and thinking, “Well, at
least they can’t possibly make a sequel to this horrible movie.”
Dumb and Dumber To – Here’s something dumb. Take a movie created for 14-year-olds and
then re-make it when the actors are 70.
The Expendables 3 – Like the first 2 movies, I found
this one expendable and did not go see it.
Exodus – While I have not seen this movie,
I did read the Old Testament, and I must say I was not impressed by the ending.
Inherent Vice – They say Thomas Pynchon books are
un-filmable, however, I filmed my copy of Gravity’s
Rainbow no problem. It turns out a
book sitting on a table is not as compelling I had hoped. After I burned the print, I just didn’t have
the energy to go see Inherent Vice.
The Theory of Everything – I have a theory. It’s that most movies are terrible and
overpriced and only 14-year-olds who want to get out of the house are willing
to pay to go see them. So it’s
surprising when someone puts out a movie about Stephen Hawking and his
wife. It’s almost enough to make me
watch it when it finally gets released through a digital streaming outlet. But then I think about Hawking doing all
those Simpsons episodes and popping
up everywhere and now this, and I think, “What happened to you, Man? It used to be about the science.”
The Interview – I’m all in favor of freedom and
everything, but I choose to exercise my freedom by not watching this
movie. I will, however, encourage people
to watch this much shorter video (less than two minutes) with the same
name. The
Interview
By now you
may have realized that I did not go see any movies in 2014. I hope that did not stop you from reading
this list. While I may not be qualified
to review movies, I did see several on Netflix and I read like 4 books. Thanks for your time.
Purvis McGrew is head movie reviewer
for the Daily Brass. See also Top
10 Movies of 2013, An
Open Letter to Thomas Pynchon, Christamar's
Youtube Cartoons.
