I
WOULD START IN THE TRADITIONAL MANNER.
ME
I must be
getting old. This morning I threw my
back out while I was yawning.
NEXT, I REENACT
THE EVENT, BUT IN DOING SO, I THROW OUT MY BACK AGAIN.
ME
Uh oh. I did it again.
(I LEAN TO ONE
SIDE WITH ONE SHOULDER HIGHER THAN THE OTHER.
I CAN’T MOVE MY NECK. I’M LIKE
IGOR FROM FRANKENSTEIN.
ME
Oh well. That’s it.
Good night, Everybody.
I START TO EXIT
STAGE LEFT, BUT STOP WHEN I SEE AN IMAGINARY PERSON OFFSTAGE.
ME
I know I still
have five minutes left, but I can’t do it.
I’m injured.
(PAUSE)
ME
But... But... You’re
not even paying me.
(PAUSE)
ME
It’s a free
country. I don’t have to...
(PAUSE)
ME
I do have to?
I TURN BACK TO
THE AUDIENCE, OBVIOUSLY STILL IN PAIN. I
GLANCE BACK AT THE IMAGINARY PERSON OFFSTAGE.
ME
You want me to
dance? I don’t think I can do that. I’m not even a good dancer under regular
circumstances.
(PAUSE WHILE
LOOKING OFFSTAGE.) I BEGIN TO
DANCE. WITH GREAT DIFFICULTY, STILL
HOLDING MY DISTORTED POSE, I SWING MY ARMS AND KICK MY FEET LIKE A TAP DANCER.)
ME
(TO IMAGINARY PERSON
OFFSTAGE) I don’t know how long I can do this.
(TO ANOTHER
IMAGINARY PERSON TO MY RIGHT) What’s
that? I don’t have to keep dancing if I
don’t want to.
I STOP DANCING.
ME
The person offstage
isn’t real?
I LOOK OFFSTAGE
AND THEN BACK TO MY RIGHT.
ME
You mean, not
only is there something wrong with my back, there is something is wrong with my
head as well?
(PAUSE)
ME
I should see a
doctor?
(PAUSE)
ME
Oh, you are a
doctor. What kind of...?
(PAUSE)
ME
Oh, a
urologist. I see.
(PAUSE)
ME
Say, while I’ve
got you here, could you take a look at something for me?
I TURN MY BACK
TO THE AUDIENCE WHILE UNBUCKLING MY BELT.
IT SHOULD BE CLEAR THAT I AM LETTING THE IMAGINARY UROLOGIST LOOK DOWN
THE FRONT OF MY PANTS.
ME
What do you mean
you don’t see anything? (POINTING) It’s
right there!
(PAUSE)
ME
Yes, that.
(PAUSE)
ME
I know it’s a
penus. What’s that on the side there?
(LONG PAUSE)
ME
(SHAKING HEAD) No,
I don’t think it is funny. This isn’t a
joking matter.
(PAUSE)
ME
Really? That’s it?
That’s all you have to say? Maybe
if I don’t think about it, it will go away.
(PAUSE)
ME
Well, I think I
need a second opinion.
(PAUSE)
ME
I don’t think I
should have to give you a $45 copay. I
don’t even have insurance.
(PAUSE)
ME
What do you
mean, then the price goes up to $1500?
You didn’t do anything.
(PAUSE)
ME
No, I don’t
think you stand around all day giving free penus exams, but...
(PAUSE)
ME
Well, some
people would.
(PAUSE)
ME
Yes they
would. They might even pay me for the privilege. Some anyway.
(PAUSE)
ME
No, I don’t want
to look at yours.
(PAUSE)
ME
Yes it is
fair. Wait, are you even a doctor?
(PAUSE)
ME
You’re a... You’re
a Love Doctor. You know what? I think my time is up. Goodnight Everybody.
I LURCH
OFFSTAGE.
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