Rock Benson swirled his martini
and smiled. He enjoyed the luxurious
splendor of his twenty eight-foot stretch Hummer. The hot tub was his favorite part. Setting his glass on the side, he eased
himself into the bubbling cauldron.
Rock’s career had been soaring
ever since Obama took office. Hundreds of thousands of disaffected white people
seemed to have sprung out of the proverbial woodwork, and they tuned in each
night to watch his stiff-lipped, hard-fisted, knee-jerk reaction to the events
of the day. His talk show, Rock Bottom, was now one of the highest
rated “news” shows on cable. (The
network’s legal department insisted on using quotation marks whenever
describing their programming as news.)
But it was this part of the day,
after taping, that Rock loved best. Now
he could close his eyes and replay that evening’s show against the backdrop of
his eyelids, and in transcript form.
Cue Music that relies heavily on timpani and bass drums.
Rock: Good evening, Ladies and
Gentlemen, I’m Rock Benson, and you’ve hit Rock Bottom. Tonight we have two
special guests, each representing an opposing view on a controversial topic. Is
Global Warming real or is it liberal bunk? We’ll present both opinions and then
let you decide. First up is Professor Jeffrey Nerdlemeyer, head of climate
science at Harvard University. He thinks global warming is real. Thanks for
being here, Mr. Nerdlemeyer. Tell us your opinion.
Professor Nerdlemeyer: My name is
Silvermeyer, Dr. Silvermeyer, and it’s not just my opinion. Global climate change is very real, and overwhelming
evidence suggests that human activity has exacerbated the problem.
Rock: Then why am I cold right
now?
Professor Nerdlemeyer: You’re
sitting underneath a vent. As I was saying, greenhouse gasses, like those
released from burning fossil fuels, trap sunlight in the atmosphere, sunlight
that would otherwise be reflected into space.
Rock: Space? That seems a little
farfetched, don't you think?
Professor Nerdlemeyer: Excuse me?
Rock: This isn’t Star Wars, Professor. It’s 2014.
Professor Nerdlemeyer: I’m not
sure what you mean. As I was saying. The
trapped sunlight warms the planet, which is why the poles are melting, ocean
temperatures are rising, and every year is the warmest year on record. The
consequences of all this could be catastrophic.
Rock: Are you aware that other
scientists suggest that you're making all this up, and even if your aren't then we’re all screwed anyway, so why bother doing anything?
Professor Nerdlemeyer: I don’t
understand why some people refuse to believe in the greenhouse effect. It’s something any seventh grader can prove
at a science fair.
Rock: (Laughing) Nice try, Professor. Now it’s time to talk with a real scientist. Dr. Kooky Westerball is
a professor of Scientific Studies at the Online Institute of Port-O-Prince.
Doctor Westerball, you’re a doctor, is that correct?
Dr. Kooky: Yes, Rock. I have a PHD
in Factitious Anomalies from The Tennessee Valley Creationist College. I also
hold several other advanced degrees, including an MBA, an MFA, an MBFA, a BFF,
and an LOL, from various online programs based at junior colleges throughout
South America.
Rock: Pretty impressive. Why don’t
you tell our viewers why Mr. Nerdlemeyer is a liberal propagandist looking to
make a fast buck perpetuating the myth of Global Warming?
Professor Nerdlemeyer: Wait a
second. How could I possibly profit from this?
Rock: Come on, Professor. You’re just out to sell your book.
Professor Nerdlemeyer: But I don’t
even have a book. And even if I did,
it’s not like I would get rich.
At best I’d sell a few thousand copies, and maybe make enough to support myself for a year or two.
Rock: You had your shot, Rich Boy.
It’s Dr. Westerball’s turn. Go ahead,
Doc.
Dr. Kooky: Well, Rock, it has been constitutionally
proven by world renowned Scienceologists—these are professionals fluent in
Einstonian Geometrics, Quasi-Judicial Influenzas, and Bi-Curial
Menstruations—that global climate change is easily attributable to normal
Paleozoic fluctuations of the Ionosphere—just like the Ice Age suffered by Ray
Romano and his friends in that movie Ice Age.
Also, current temperatic abstractions can be traced back to the fact
that God is mad about gay marriage.
Rock: (Fascinated) Really? I had
no idea Ray Romano was gay in that movie.
Dr. Kooky: He was the way I
watched it.
Rock: Well, folks, there you have
it. Two renowned scientists with two completely different takes on the whole
global warming myth. Personally, I don’t know what to think. I’m stumped.
Dr. Kooky: I thought you were
Rock.
(They laugh while the professor
buries his head in his hands.)
Rock: Well, that’s it. Thanks for joining us. Tune in tomorrow night, when, once again, you’ll hit Rock Bottom. Goodnight, Everybody!
Cue drum music.
Rock pushed the button for the
retractable roof and watched as a beautiful night sky opened up above him. He
tossed his empty martini glass out of the moon roof, then stood up to see if it landed on a
homeless person. Unfortunately, the street was deserted. Settling back into his bath, he reached along the
edge of the hot tub until he found a Cuban cigar and a solid gold Zippo lighter
with diamond inlays.
With the swarm of bubbles
tickling his nether regions, Rock failed to notice a long tail slithering through
his legs. With his eyes closed, he failed to spot the six-foot spikes
jutting out of the water. With his ears full of wax, he failed to hear the giant armored plates scraping his
upholstered ceiling. With his mind so wrapped up in thoughts about himself, he completely missed the seventeen-ton
shimmering stegosaurus, now scratching its butt against the side of his hot
tub.
It was unfortunate for Rock that
his stretch Hummer lacked the prehistoric vegetation that once constituted the
stegosaurus’s diet. The enormous reptile had to settle for raiding the
mini-fridge, where it quietly devoured a platter of expensive French cheese
and escargot. And it was to Rock Benson’s greatest misfortune that at the
precise moment he sparked his Cuban cigar; the Stegosaurus let loose a potent blast
of flatulence that incinerated him.
Go to chapter 7
Go to chapter 7
