A version of this letter originally appeared a
while back.
Dear Thom,
I just finished reading (the first
three pages of) Gravity’s Rainbow, and I have to say, I think you
were grossly misinformed about the outcome of World War II. I
believe the allies, not the Germans, won. I am now turning on the
History Channel to confirm this fact. I’m watching... I’m
watching... Yes, the allies definitely won. Also, Nostradamus
predicted they would win several hundred years ago. Also, Hitler may
have descended from an ancient race of space aliens and Barack Obama is
descended from Satan. Now that's good history!
Wait a second. Hold the
phone. I just looked up GR on Wikipedia, and it
turns out you do know who won WWII. Sorry about that. I
guess I didn’t know what the hell was going on in that book. I did
understand Slow Learner however. And while I
agree with your assessment of your early stories in the introduction of that
book--that they weren’t very good--you can’t know how much it meant to me to
know that an author of your caliber, whose books I don’t understand or care to
read, could have written stories just as crappy as mine. Well, let’s just
say it gave me hope. Maybe I’ll be the next Thomas Pynchon when I
grow up. (I’m only 43, so there is still plenty of time.)
Say, that gives me an idea. I know how secretive
you are--people used to think you and JD Salinger were the same person because
you were so reclusive, even though Salinger wrote books on a seventh grade
reading level, and you have to be a rocket scientist to figure out what
you’re writing about--so, what if I spread a rumor that you are
the author of some of my stories. Can you think of any reason why
you wouldn’t want to be considered the author of a book about Dinosaur
Ghosts? Of course you can’t.
With that in mind, let me just say, I LOVED your book Dinosaur
Ghost. It was so nice to see an actual plot in one of
your books, and by that I mean a plot I could understand. Not that
it wasn’t complicated: Boy meets girl. Boy gets eaten by ghost of a
dinosaur. Dinosaur Ghost seeks revenge against conservatives for
using remains to fuel SUVs. Dinosaur Ghost seeks comfort and
companionship with other male dinosaur ghost. Second dinosaur
ghost gets drunk and makes out with diplodocus at a dinner party. First
dinosaur ghost takes revenge on second dinosaur ghost by having sex with
girl. Girl falls in love with dinosaur ghost. Dinosaur
Ghost reconciles with other dinosaur ghost. Girl falls for next best
thing--monkey man monster that wandered into the story in chapter eleven.
Now that's complication I can get into!
You know, I’m pretty sure this is the
kind of story prize committees are looking for. This may finally get
you that Pulitzer you’ve been waiting for.
Congratulations!
Your pal,
Christamar Varicella
Further reading: An Open Letter to Cormac McCarthy, An Open Letter to Jonathan Franzen, An Open Letter to CNN, An Open Letter to FOX NEWS
Further reading: An Open Letter to Cormac McCarthy, An Open Letter to Jonathan Franzen, An Open Letter to CNN, An Open Letter to FOX NEWS
