by Al Butterman
When I die,
I don’t want to be buried. For one
thing I’m claustrophobic, and for another thing I don’t like the idea of being
preserved with chemicals. If I’m going
to be preserved, I want to make sure people can see me. I’d have to be displayed behind glass or
something. I've heard of a glass-bottom boat, but is there such a thing as a
glass-topped grave? If so, sign me up.
Better yet,
just have me stuffed and mounted and pushed into a corner of the living room. Make sure the taxidermist puts a mean
expression on my face. I want my teeth
bared, my eyebrows furrowed, and my claws extended. (Have each of my fingernails sharpened to a
fine point.) This way, I might still be able to help discipline the children
even after I’m gone. “Do you want me
to send you to your father? I didn’t think so.”
* * *
Well, I
checked around and tried to make arrangements, but I can’t find a taxidermist
willing to stuff and mount me.
It turns out taxidermists don’t stuff and mount human beings. They claim they would be arrested and their
licenses would be revoked. I told them, “This
is what’s wrong with this country. The
government won’t even let you decide what to do with your own dead body.”
GIVE US BACK OUR FREEDOM!
* * *
People tell
me that if I don’t want to be buried, I should have myself cremated. "But I’m afraid of fire!" I say. "What about burial at sea," those people then
ask, to which I reply, “burial at sea is out
because of the whole water thing.”
I need more options.
* * *
Do you know
what I realized? I realized that I really
enjoy mowing the lawn. (I realized this
while I was mowing the lawn.) When I die,
I think I just want to be dumped on the lawn. Then, I can slowly decompose and become one
with the lawn that I love so much.
* * *
Well, I
checked with the homeowner’s association, and it turns out they don’t want people
decomposing on their lawns. Apparently,
it’s a violation of many local, state, and federal laws and statutes. Once again, my plans have been thwarted by
the government.
TAKE BACK OUR COUNTRY!
* * *
If I’m not
allowed to do what I want with my corpse here on Earth, I’ve decided to leave
it. I’d like to be shot into space,
where my body can drift eternally or until it lands on a planet that is more
accepting of dead bodies on lawns. I’ve
had several ideas about how to do this.
Here are the ideas:
1) Blast my
body into space with a cannon. The
biggest problem that I have encountered so far with this plan is that my body
is likely to be blown apart by the cannon blast, which would totally defeat the
purpose. Also, I asked a friend of mine
who is really into guns and artillery and stuff, and he says cannons don’t
normally shoot that far. Shooting cannon
balls into space, it turns out, would defeat the purpose. (I didn’t know this, but the purpose of
cannons is to shoot people on Earth.)
2) Shoot my
body into space with a rocket. I’ve
studied tapes of NASA missions, and this might actually be a good option.
Typically, after liftoff, the rocket boosters detach, propelling a
capsule of some sort into space.
This sounds like a pretty good idea at first, but unfortunately my dead body
would remain encased in the capsule (also known as encapsulated.) How is this any better than getting buried?
3) I think I’ve
found my answer! I saw on the news that
private companies are now taking passengers into space. They don’t go that deep into space, just
enough for people to feel the effects of zero gravity, before they head back
down into the sky. My idea: once we reach space altitude, someone
pushes me out of the plane. Then I can
float gently into the eternal void.
* * *
It turns out
these private space flights are really expensive. I checked my bank account and I only have $38
in my account. Once again, my plan and
my liberty have been thwarted. GIVE ME
LIBERTY OR GIVE ME DEATH!
