Femme Fetal

To see the awesome original cartoon version of this, go here.

“Femme Fetal” BY CHRISTAMAR VARICELLA

CAST: VOICE OVER, PREGNANT LADY, OLD WOMAN, OLD MAN, CHARLEY

A VERY PREGNANT WOMAN IS SHOPPING ALONE IN A GROCERY STORE.

V.O.

Mrs. Bartholomew Globinslobber was making a routine trip to the store.

PREGNANT LADY

Let’s see.  Raisin Flakes, Bran Bites, Sugar-covered fiber nuggets...

V.O.

When suddenly she was approached by a deranged hooligan.

ENTER OLD WOMAN.

When I Die

by Al Butterman

When I die, I don’t want to be buried.  For one thing I’m claustrophobic, and for another thing I don’t like the idea of being preserved with chemicals.  If I’m going to be preserved, I want to make sure people can see me.  I’d have to be displayed behind glass or something.  I've heard of a glass-bottom boat, but is there such a thing as a glass-topped grave?  If so, sign me up. 

Better yet, just have me stuffed and mounted and pushed into a corner of the living room.  Make sure the taxidermist puts a mean expression on my face.  I want my teeth bared, my eyebrows furrowed, and my claws extended.  (Have each of my fingernails sharpened to a fine point.) This way, I might still be able to help discipline the children even after I’m gone.  “Do you want me to  send you to your father?  I didn’t think so.” 

Stuck: A Tale of Woe by Al Butterman

by Al Butterman

I have this song stuck in my head.  “Istanbul, not Constantinople’ by They Might Be Giants.  It’s a good song but I don’t want it rattling around in my skull all day.  ‘Istanbul, not Constantinople, now it’s Istanbul, not Constantinople.”  That’s pretty much all I remember which makes it even more annoying.  There have got to be more lyrics than that.  This has been going on for several months.