Sure, logic
and intuition tells us that all those squished raccoons and possums and things
we see by the side of the road were simple auto accidents, but isn’t it
possible that other, funnier, reasons exist for the untimely demise of all
those cute little critters? I for one
think so, and here are a few possibilities:
1) Suicide
It’s
happened to all of us. We’re running
late for work or church or something, flying down the highway with reckless
abandon, when suddenly a cute little squirrel ventures out into the road. It stops, whiskers twitching as if
contemplating our rapid approach. We prepare to brake, screaming, “Look out,
little squirrel. Run! Save
yourself!” Or perhaps a more direct,
“Get the f*** out of the road!” In any
event, the cute little guy turns around scampers a few feet toward safety, and
then, just as we start to breathe a sigh of relief, he turns around again and launches
himself under our front tire.
Was this a
tragic accident, or a calculated act? Perhaps
he was tired of competing with a billion other rodents for limited nut resources. Maybe his girlfriend left him, his kid was
eaten by an owl, or he suddenly found himself attracted to armadillos and he
just couldn’t deal. While his reasons
may never be known, it’s entirely possible that he made a conscious decision to
end it all.
2) Highways
are like their Mecca
Other than the
ones we observe directly, how do we know all the other animal carcasses we see
by the side of the road were run over?
Maybe they just crawled up there because the road was the one thing they
wanted to see before they died. Maybe
the road holds a certain allure for them, like Stonehenge or the Great Wall of
China, and many creatures throughout the forest attempt to make a pilgrimage to
see it at least once during their life time.
They don’t have these kinds of things in other parts of nature, you
know. The flash of color, the whoosh of
passing cars and trucks, it may all be very exciting for animals of a lower
order. And it stands to reason that may of them would wait until the last
minute.
3) Miscommunication
Many of
these sick and injured animals may simply be looking for badly needed
assistance. Perhaps some wish to catch a
ride to the animal hospital. When they
get to the road, however, they run into a problem. You guessed it: they lack both human language
skills and opposable thumbs. They can
hold up their little paws, but hitchhiking is out of the question.
Imagine a
man and his wife driving down the road.
Man: Hey, what’s that possum doing over
there with its paw in the air?
Woman: I don’t know. I think maybe it’s asking for money.
Man: Well I’m not giving my hard-earned
money to some lazy possum.
That’s
probably why so many of those animals die.
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