Review: Clint Eastwood's The Empty Chair

The Empty Chair

by Clint Eastwood
Caramelized Press 435 pages
Reviewed by Sally Putterman

In one of the fastest turnarounds in publishing history, Caramelized Press has turned what was widely considered a rambling, doddering twelve minute speech by actor/director Clint Eastwood at the Republican National Convention into a book that hit stores a mere thirty six hours after the speech was given.  Perhaps even more amazingly, the book details what Mr. Eastwood was actually thinking when he made the decision to make a fool of himself in front of a nationally televised audience by talking to an empty chair and pretending it was the president.  Even more amazingly, the book also details what the chair was thinking.

The Zombie Bocephus Chapter 3

http://zombiebo.blogspot.com/ has the latest updates of this novel.

   Chapter 1 Chapter 2

Her name was Lilly Belle, and she was about as beautiful a woman as I have ever seen.  She had tar black hair running down the middle of her back and she had these big bushy eyebrows like Brooke Shields.  She had a mole above her lip that reminded me of Marilyn Monroe.  I ran into her in at The Brass Monkey after about twenty bottles of Dixie beer.  “Hey there, Honey,” I said in my suave voice.  “They call me the Love Zombie.”

An Open Letter to Ayn Rand

Dear Anne,

I hope you don’t mind if I call you Anne instead of Ayn, which I’m pretty sure isn’t a real name.  I know you’re dead and all, but I didn’t want that to stop me from letting you know how much I enjoyed The Fountainhead--not the philosophy espoused therein, which I found utterly impractical--but I found the story rather compelling.  I may even read Atlas Shrugged someday even though the premise strikes me as downright stupid. 

Fan Club Rejection Letter

Dear Friend,

Thank you for your interest in joining the Christamar Varicella fan club.  Unfortunately, we aren’t accepting new members at this time.  Please be patient.  A spot may open up in six to eight weeks.  Until then, please accept this form letter in lieu of membership.  Thanks for reading, and keep chasing those rainbows!

Sincerely,

Earl Cathcart

Assistant to Christamar Varicella’a Personal Assistant

An Interview with Christamar Varicella

Popular posts:

Review: Foxes and Chickens, An Allegory, An Open Letter to Thomas Pynchon, 50 Shades of Sex, a Parody, Review: The Supreme Bean, The Zombie Bocephus Chapter 1

Interview with Christamar Varicella

This interview was conducted in the author's plush country home over a snack of coffee and jellybeans. 

TDB: Mr. Varicella, it is said that you pioneered the idea of the blog as novel--your blog features fictional characters and story lines that play out in headlines, stories, and even the comment section.

Varicella: Is there a question in there somewhere, Bubba.

TDB: It's Sally.

Varicella: Whatever.

TDB: What inspired you to attempt to not only publish novels for free on your website, but also to fictionalize the entire blogging process?

Varicella: I was struck by lightening.

Review of Sally Putterman's Review of Alfred Butterman's The Mucus Stain

The Mucus Stain
By Alfred Butterman
Alfred Butterman Publishing, 178 Pages
Review of Sally Putterman's Review by Alfred Butterman

The world of online book reviews hit an all-time low yesterday with the release of Sally Putterman's review of Alfred Butterman's wonderful new novel, The Mucus Stain. (The review can be found

here.)  First among her catalogue of outrageous assertions was the assertion that self publishing hit an all-time low with the release of Al Butterman's The Mucus Stain.  It certainly did not.  Self publishing started at an all-time low and it is now a full two degrees above that line.  Also, What kind of hackneyed opening is that anyway?  I'll tell you what kind it is, it's the same hackneyed opening Ms Putterman uses to begin every review she's ever written.  It seems every time Ms Putterman opens a book, publishing hits an all-time low.  It's lazy writing and it goes with her lazy reading.   The truth is Ms. Putterman didn't even understand Mr. Butterman's novel.

Review: The Mucus Stain

The Mucus Stain
By Alfred Butterman
Alfred Butterman Publishing, 178 pages
Reviewed by Sally Putterman

The world of self publishing hit a new low with the release of Al Butterman’s science fiction novel, The Mucus Stain. Possibly the most disgusting book ever written, the story begins when a mysterious stranger deposits a glob of spit into a toilet and flushes his DNA into the sewer where it combines with some radioactive waste--it seems a newly built nuclear power plant has been diverting its own waste product into the sewer--and somehow--it is never properly explained--the spit merges with the waste and  evolves into to what will henceforth be known as--and these are the author’s words, I’m not making this up--the Doo Doo Monster. I told you it was disgusting.

Meet the Staff of the Daily Brass

This year, in lieu of raises, the management of the Daily Brass has agreed to post a brief bio of each staff member, thus acknowledging their existence and introducing them to their audience.  The views of the staff do not in any way represent the views of the Daily Brass, which is against pretty much everything.

Purvis McGrew (Open Letters) - Purvis is our entertainment editor.   He earned his degree in Entertainment News from Leeza Gibbons University in Stockdale, MD and is a former writer for the periodical Celebrity Stalker.  A childhood affliction of worms inspired him to write an episode of the animated children’s series, Pound Puppies which never aired.  According to Purvis, the episode was scratched for political reasons.  “They said my piece wasn’t ‘kid friendly’ just because, in one scene, the pound puppies mauled a kid.”  He is the author of the novel, Meet the Tootersons and contributed to Christamar Varicella’s novel Dinosaur Ghost.  Someday he hopes to work for TMZ.  In his spare time, he enjoys rooting through dumpsters looking for discarded pornography.  He lives in a barn.

Review: Dinosaur Ghost

The following review refers to a book that can be found through the following links:

Dinosaur Ghost is now available for free as a pdf!

Dinosaur Ghost
By JK Beatman
Published by The Daily Brass
Reviewed by Al Butterman

Never before have I observed such an overt display of liberal propaganda as I did in JK Beatman’s so-called Sci-Fi parody, Dinosaur Ghost.  The plot is completely preposterous.  If you haven't read it, it goes like this:  dinosaurs come back from extinction to eat republicans for their skepticism of global warming and their lack of tolerance of gay marriage.  Seriously?  Is this what liberals are reduced to writing about these days?  If so, you'll forgive me if I stick to Ayn Rand. 

An Open Letter to Thomas Pynchon

Dear Tom,

I just finished reading (the first three pages of) Gravity’s Rainbow, and I have to say, I think you were grossly misinformed about the outcome of World War II.  I believe the allies, not the Germans, won.  I am now turning on the History Channel to confirm this fact.  I’m watching... I’m watching... Yes, the allies definitely won.  Also, Nostradamus predicted they would win several hundred years ago.  Also, Hitler may have descended from an ancient race of space aliens and Barack Obama is descended from Satan.  Now that's good history!

Dinosaur Ghost Chapter 7: Why Dinosaur Ghosts Run Amok

This story has been revised.  
Dinosaur Ghost is now available for free as a pdf!

Steve loped down the hall of his Soho apartment, his tail sweeping the hallway as he moved from room to room, straightening things up with his head while his back end knocked over lamps, tables, and poked gaping holes in the walls with his spikes.  Steve was anxious that everything be perfect for his and Rex’s anniversary dinner.  Things just hadn’t been the same since “the incident” and this would be an opportunity to put it behind them and give the relationship a fresh start.  Steve wouldn’t have admitted it to himself right then, but a part of him wondered if he could ever trust Rex again.  The image of Rex and that woman had become seared in his mind.  The woman’s expression of abject passion contrasted with Rex’s anger as he tossed her around like a rag doll.  It was a side of Rex he had never seen before, and it frightened him--the fact that Rex could go against his own natural instincts simply to inflict pain on Steve was one thing, but the intensity of that anger bordered on hatred--that was the truly frightening part.  A part of Steve had gone extinct that night, and he wondered if he’d ever be whole again.

The Oiliest Secret Chapter 8 And Dinosaur Ghost Chapter 6: The Oiliest Ending

Dinosaur Ghost has been updated.  
Dinosaur Ghost is now available for free as a pdf!

The Oiliest Secret Chapter 1  Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Review of Novel-in-Progress Chapter 7

He stood seven feet tall with a protruding forehead and a chest like a bearskin rug.  In all her life, Jenna Strumpet had never  seen such a beautiful specimen.

Review: This Land is My Land

For an alternate take on this book, see Review: This Land is My Land by Al Butterman.

This Land is My Land: the Mitt Romney Story

By Mitt Romney
Diamond Publishing, 275 Pages
Reviewed by Sally Putterman

Unlike some other reviewers at the Daily Brass I could and will name, Al Butterman, this reviewer was less than enthralled with Mitt Romney’s self-serving autobiography released this past month by the Diamond Publishing Group.  Now, some people will naturally I assume that I am one of those so-called “liberals,” just because I recently made a blanket statement about conservatives in Spill the Beans Magazine, the world’s largest circulated periodical devoted to bean-related interviews, and that I prejudged this book before ever reading it, but this is not true--for one thing, that quote in which I said, “All conservatives these days are a bunch of deranged nitwits,” was taken largely out of context, and for another thing, I read a full three pages of This Land is My Land before I bothered to prejudge it!  Now that I’ve read the book, I think I can safely say, without fear of accused bias, that Mitt Romney is a deranged nitwit.

The Zombie Bocephus Chapter 2

Chapter 1 Chapter 3 http://zombiebo.blogspot.com/ has the latest updates.

Now if you’ve never seen Skwerly before you’re missing one crazy looking dude.  His hair is frizzy and stands straight up by the individual strand and he has a scruffy little beard that doesn’t seem to know how to stop looking like five o’clock shadow.  His eyes are just as wild as the rest of him and seem to stare in two different directions at once.  Whenever he’s about to snap, and believe me, he’s likely to snap at any moment, one of those eyes (the left one usually) will bounce over to the side reflexively and then shoot back into alignment, like his brain ain’t making all the necessary connections, and his neurons aren't all firing in the same direction. 

Trolls Wanted

The Daily Brass is giving away free Trolls... Wanted, the children's picture book by Christiana Helgeson and David Brasfield for the next few hours.  To get your copy of the ebook just scroll down until you see the cover and click on the image.

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