An Open Letter to Dave Eggers

An Open Letter to Jack Kerouac, An Open Letter to Tom Wolfe, An Open Letter to JK Rowling, An Open Letter to Cormac McCarthy, A Recent Interview with Jack Kerouac, An Open Letter to Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Dear Dave,

I know you think you’re great because you wrote A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, but I wrote an episode of Pound Puppies, and you don’t see me bragging.  And it was an awesome episode!  You may have seen it.  It was the one in which a stray hound gave all the other dogs worms.  I called it “A Heartbreaking Case of Staggering Worms.” 

I say you “may” have seen it, but unfortunately you didn’t because the network refused to air the episode.  They said it wasn’t “kid friendly” just because, in one scene, one of the pound puppies mauls a kid.  Looking back on it, I don’t think the producers made an honest portrayal of what life is like for dogs at the pound.

Anyway, I wanted to tell you I’m really sorry your parents died and you had to raise your little brother and you were forced to go to school with Vince Vaughn, but you know what?  I’ve had my share of troubles too.  Let’s just say that episode of Pound Puppies was based on a true story and leave it at that...  I had worms.  So how come no-one has offered me the editorship of The Paris Review? 

Still.  I think it’s great that you and your little brother have been traveling around giving away all your money to people in Sudan and New Orleans.  People born in third world countries really have it bad.  If I somehow managed to trick a bunch of people into reading my stupid book, I’d probably spend the money on a monster truck or something.  I wouldn’t give it away, and I certainly wouldn’t launch a literary quarterly geared towards gay Irishmen like you did.  But I guess it’s good you found your niche.

Well, I guess that’s about it for now.  I just wanted to make sure you knew you weren't the only staggering genius around (although I'm more often described as a staggering drunk), but I won't keep you.  You probably need to go edit something.  Speaking of which, feel free to use this letter in the Best American Non-Required Reading 2012.  If you do, I promise to donate my share of the proceeds to my favorite charity.  You may have heard of it.  It’s called The Truck-A-Saurus Fund.  Won’t you help?

Your Pal,

Purvis McGrew