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As Rock Benson
travelled home from work in the back of his 28-foot stretch Hummer, he swirled
his martini and smiled. He eased down into the relaxing cauldron that
constituted his Hummer’s hot tub. Thirteen months had passed since his
successor, the network’s number one rated pundit, Herman Bainbridge, had been
annihilated in a tragic accident, but since that time, Rock’s career had soared. Tonight’s episode of his show perfectly illustrated the reason for
this upward trajectory. He closed his eyes and the show appeared against the
backdrop of his eyelids in transcript form.
Rock: Good
evening, Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m Rock Benson, and you’ve hit Rock Bottom.
Tonight we have two special guests, each representing an opposing view on the
existence of a controversial topic. Is Global Warming real or is it liberal
bunk? We’ll present both opinions and then let you decide. First up is
Professor Jeffrey Silvermeyer, head of the climate science department at
Harvard University. He thinks global warming is real. Thanks for being here,
Mr. Nerdelmeyer. Tell us your opinion.
Prof: My name is
Silvermeyer, and it’s not just my opinion. Global warming is backed by
overwhelming evidence.
Rock: Then why am
I cold right now?
Prof: You’re
sitting underneath a vent. As I was saying, carbon-based emissions trap
sunlight in the atmosphere, sunlight that would otherwise be reflected into
space.
Rock: Space? That
seems a little farfetched, doesn’t it?
Prof: Space sounds
farfetched?
Rock: This isn’t
Star Wars. It’s 2012.
Prof: As I was
saying. The trapped sunlight warms the planet, which is why the poles are
melting, ocean temperatures are rising, and every New Year brings the warmest
year on record. The consequences of all this will be catastrophic.
Rock: Says you.
Prof: This is serious.
Rock: (Laughing)
I’m sorry, professor. I didn’t understand a word of that. That brings us to our
next guest. Dr. Kookie Westerball is a professor of Scientific Studies at the
Online Institute of Port-O-Prince. Doctor Westerball, you’re a doctor, is that
correct?
Kookie: Yes, Rock.
I have a PHD in Facticious Anomalies from The Tennessee Valley Creationist
College. I also hold several advanced degrees, including an MBA, an MFA, an
MBNA, a BFF, and an LOL, from various junior colleges throughout South America.
Rock: Pretty
impressive. Why don’t you tell our viewers why Mr. Nerdmeyer is a liberal
propagandist looking to make fast cash perpetuating the myth of Global Warming.
Prof: Wait a
second. How could I possibly profit…
Rock: You had your
shot, Nerdie. Go ahead, Doc.
Kook: Well, Rock,
it has been constitutionally proven by world renowned Scientologists—these are
professionals fluent in Einstonian Geometrics, Quasi-Judicial Influenzas, and
Bi-Curial Menstruations—that global climate change is easily attributable to
normal Paleozoic fluctuations of the Ionosphere—much like the Ice Age portrayed in the film starring Ray Romano. I forget what it was called. Also, current temperatic abstractions can be
traced back to the fact that God is mad about gay marriage.
Rock: (Fascinated)
Really? I had no idea Ray Romano was gay in that movie.
Kook: He was the
way I watched it.
Rock: Well, folks,
there you have it. Two renowned scientists with two completely different takes
on the global warming myth. Personally, I don’t know what to think. I’m
stumped.
Kook: I thought
you were Rock.
(They laugh while
the professor buries his head and his hands.)
Rock: Thanks for
tuning in tonight, everybody. Come back tomorrow to once again hit Rock Bottom.
Rock pushed the
button for the retractable roof and watched as a beautiful night sky opened up
above him. He tossed his martini away, turning to see if it landed on a
homeless person. Unfortunately, the streets were deserted. He reached along the
edge of the hot tub until he found a Cuban cigar and a solid gold Zippo lighter.
As he relaxed, he closed his eyes and blocked out the world. In doing so, he failed to notice a rather large tail
slither into his hot tub, nor did he spot the
six-foot-long spikes jutting out of that tail, and neither was he cognizant of the
giant armored plates rising out of the water and climbing up the back of the
shimmering apparation attached to that spiked tail, a seventeen ton Stegosaurus backing up to his hot tub in an attempt to scratch a place his
spikes could never reach. It was unfortunate for Rock that the Hummer lacked
the prehistoric vegetation that once constituted the Stegosaurus’s diet. The
monster had settled for raiding the mini-fridge, where it had quickly
devoured a platter of expensive French cheese and escargot. And it was to Rock
Benson’s great misfortune that at the precise moment Rock sparked his Cuban
cigar; the Stegosaurus let loose a blast of flatulence. In an instant, Rock Benson was
incinerated.
