Mitt Romney Revealed to be Bully from The Karate Kid

Today he is known as the lovable robot programmed to take every conceivable policy position, but forty seven years ago, the Washington Post revealed today, Mitt Romney was also a bit of a douche. In his prep school days, the presumptive GOP nominee once led a mob of teenage boys against a homosexual classmate. Was he merely swept up in the prevalent culture of the time? A Daily Brass investigation suggests otherwise. In an interview today, a former classmate who asked to remain anonymous--he will be referred to here as R. Macchio--recounted a series of disturbing encounters with the former Massachusetts governor. "It was like he made it his mission in life to persecute me," Ralph M. said as his eyes welled with tears. "He and his friends from the dojo used to beat me up and Mitt tried to steal my girlfriend. Luckily an old man from Okinawa taught me a special "crane kick" that allowed me to win the big tournament." When reached for comment, Governor Romney said he could not recall those specific events but said that technically Mr. Macchio was the one who stole his girlfriend. He then apologized if he caused anyone physical or emotional harm. He also pointed out that after his defeat he shook Mr. Macchio's hand at the end of the movie just before the credits rolled.