Facebook Buys Everything

The entire universe--all that is or ever shall be--is now the legal property of Mark Zuckerberg, a spokesman for Facebook announced today. In exchange for the previously unheard of sum of ten gajillion dollars, everything, including you, has been absorbed by the corporate entity. "This sucks," said college student Bert Stillman of the University of Toledo, Ohio. "I don't even like Facebook. It's for freakin' old people." Facebook's publicity department countered that the new master/slave relationship would actually benefit the people of earth and other inhabited planets. "Facebook brings people together. How else could we share the mundane details of our lives with friends and family we never bother to see, or attempt to sell things to our past acquaintances?" The Daily Brass and every other media outlet have lauded the purchase. Thank you, Facebook, for giving us a reason to exist.